(from a 1950s high school home economics textbook…)
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome they need.
(Easy, right? You just run around like mad, do your chores, stand in the kitchen and fix a lovely dinner. I can do that.)
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. his boring day may need a lift.
(Huh? Ribbon?? Fresh looking??? Damn, I just cooked a lovely dinner for my exhausted husband. Now I’m supposed to look fresh and act gay?)
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
(So first I get all pretzled up and then I start cleaning again. And while I freshen up the kids will destroy the house again…)
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. (That would explain the growing Mt Laundry) They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.
(Yes, those cutesy little robots will be perfectly capable of playing any part.)
5. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile, and be glad to see him.
(Try to encourage the children… Muahahahahahaha!! Oh chiiildreeen… would you mind terribly being quiet? Uhm… hello? Please? Oh… you would mind? Oh dear!)
6. Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
(Yeah, and then would you please kiss his stinky feet?)
7. Listen to him: You have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
(Shut up, b****! That’s what that means.)
And finally:
8. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax.
(And later take some Prozac, drink a bottle of wine and look forward to the next wonderful day as the perfect Stepford wife!)
Now isn’t that easy as pie? I do it every day! And I’m just so happy happy happy!
Oh, and this is what I look like.
LOL! I just fell out of my chair laughing so hard. No wonder I’ve been married 10 years? Whatever. I tried to tell Lil’Bug to be quiet the other day…results=loud singing and joyous laughter.
haha oh that is wonderful. The thing is that a lot of it was true. I do remember my grandmother saying such things to my mother, “don’t moan at him, dear, he’s had a hard day at work.”
things are a lot different in this house I can tell you - my house is a hovel, my children are noisy urchins and the only makeup I wear whilst cooking is splatters of tomato puree!! But then I don’t have a husband so maybe that is OK (maybe that is WHY!?).
Next time the boys’ father comes round I am going to follow these instructions and just see what he (and the boys) make of it all!!! What fun!
Great blog by the way!
I have that book! Or, at least, I have a book that has the same list in it!! I think I bought it at a thrift store. It’s either “The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Housekeeping,” or, oh I can’t put my hands on it but I know it’s around here somewhere. So funny!
You really had me going at #1…I thought I was going to go running away screaming and never come back. Of course, it’s true. I had a counselor tell me to have “special dinner” night and watch my workaholic husband come home. And he did. One night a week, he got his butt home to eat food. Did that make me feel all warm and fuzzy? Not while I was doing the dishes alone listening to him watch TV it didn’t. Did I get reciprocal favors on special dinner night? Nope. And how long did it last? Oh, about three or four weeks, until work became more important again.
*sigh*
Sorry to vent, but it hit a nerve there. And yes, that is what I would look like too, and my husband would never even suggest I should get a job either.
woohoo!
LMBO. If I ever did any of these things, my husband would have me committed. I’ve enjoyed reading through your posts!
Nicole, you’re allowed to vent all you want here.
Consider it your living room. 
littlepiggy, I have no idea what your real name is, but I hope to see you back. Thanks for the positive feedback.
RB… not having a husband has its advantages. I should tell my husband about that. LOL
Mama P, my kids would burst into laughter as well.
Hi Ute! I am tagging you to play along with me in a little bloggy thing.
Check it out here!
Thanks for letting me vent in the living room! =))
Oops…if this link doesn’t work, it’s on my page!
Tag you’re it!!
Oh my… I’ve been tagged… thing is, I don’t think I know 12 bloggers… and those I know have probably been tagged by you already. LOL But I’ll post it tonight… when I have some peace around here.
Ugh! Could you imagine being married to the man (or woman) who wrote that text?!
My husband gets home from work before me and I still cook dinner and do the dishes and all of the cleanup. How’s that for a modern woman?
Of course then he handles the weekend meals.